Search for a Soul Mate

Before I met Jesse, I was single for seven years.

Previous to that, I had been in some not-so-great relationships, one in particular. I was young and lacked self-confidence. I was struggling with who I was, and I was quite immature.

But I was so busy blaming other people for the way they treated ME, I didn’t actually realise that it was me that was allowing myself to be treated that way.

Which brings us to the question, why do we stay in relationships knowing they are not good for us?! 

We have all had that one person who has broken our heart, but it is my true belief that every person who comes in and out of our lives is there to teach us something.

And maybe sometimes that’s to teach us what we do and don’t want from the next relationship, and to see if we have grown as a person. 

Years ago while single (and lost and depressed, I might add), friends told me to write a list of qualities of my true soul mate, including ALL details of what I wanted.

Hearing this at the time, I thought they were a little cray cray. What would making a list achieve!?

Well, years later after I had done some soul searching, I did write my list - from personality traits, to morals, to looks.

I recently found my list from March 2011.  I asked for someone who was kind, funny, driven, athletic and a man that who could protect me. But, most importantly, a man who was honest and loyal, as those traits mean the absolute world to me. Needless to say one of the first things on my list was, as I was 6ft (6’4ft in some heels), that he needed to be a tall, big bear.

I wrote that list on my phone, finished my vision board (a board detailing my life's dreams and aspirations) and I didn’t look at it again. I trusted in the universe that when the time was right that person would come into my life and I opened my heart and learned to express my true feelings.

Anytime someone would ask why I was single (FYI that’s a really dumb question to ask someone who is single), I switched my response to something positive and confident.

I started to respond with “my prince charming is just around the corner” instead of saying my standard responses of “oh, I don’t know”, “all men are assholes”, “I guess I’m not worthy”…. YES I WAS!!!!!!

I am a strong believer that when you know who you are and when you are ready, the right person will come into your life.

As Deepak Chopra says: “Stop looking for the right one, be the right one"’.

About 2.5 years later (November 2013 to be exact) I was out with a girlfriend. We popped into her friend's birthday party at the Saint (the old Saint).

There was this crazily tall, hot guy who caught my eye straight away.

We instantly connected. He made me laugh.

Now, Jesse was five years younger than me, which is something I would usually use as an excuse to push someone away so I didn’t get hurt. But this guy seemed different so I let my guard down and let him in a little.

The start of our friendship wasn’t all bells and whistles. Our honeymoon period was funnnnn and we started to develop a deep connection.

But then, something changed. I could feel Jesse distancing himself.

After dating the wrong men for years, I had kinda had enough of men coming in and out of my life when it suited them, so I finally put my foot down.

After a month or so of "dating", I had the opportunity to go to an event on New Year's Eve with my girlfriend, where Jesse would be. So I asked him if I should go and he responded with "if you want". I got my back up and rephrased the question: "Do you want me to go?". To which he answered, "if you want to". Taken a little aback by his response. I then asked him the heart questions, "what are we?" and "are we together or not?". to which he responded “I don’t know what I want”. Hmmmm.

After being inseparable every day for more than a month, you should definitely know what you want, or have a fair idea of the direction you would like to take.

So I stated that “it's obviously not me" and I very calmly explained that there was no grey area with me. I was very black or white - i.e. are we together or not?

As he was still confused by what he wanted, I said it was best that he left, and in my mind I let the relationship go.

Many years ago, a guy friend of mine gave me some advice on dating. He said "Ask the heart questions straight up". Say what?! No way, I thought. After hiding from my true feelings for years, I realised I really was avoiding my feelings. So with Jesse, I was very open and honest. I didn't want to be messed around again. I really did like him so I made that very clear, in a calm non-aggressive manner.

A few weeks later, Jesse came back knowing my intentions and we have been together ever since.  He admitted that he ran away as he was developing feelings and he was scared I would hurt him.

Fast forward to 2017, we are now engaged, have a two (almost three)-year-old son and have brought our dream home together.  

I found my soul mate because I was ready. Because I knew EXACTLY what I wanted. Although I kinda wish I wrote on that list: "someone who is clean and that cleans up after himself" haha.

Jesse and I have certainly had our ups and downs, it has not all been smooth sailing. He is pretty damn wonderful but I still want to punch him in the face at times (figuratively, not literally). I believe the key to our success is honesty and communication. Whatever I would say to a girlfriend, I say to him.

I try to express my feelings very calmly (not always of course - *insert cray cray, angry wife face*) and I ask him to do the same, although sometimes I need to realise that Jesse is five years younger than me. 

I truly believe that the key to finding your soul mate is firstly knowing who you are and what you want. Sometimes when you think you are ready, you’re not. Open your heart and trust in the universe or God, or whatever you believe in.

You need to have a burning desire for whatever you want in life and know your direction. I believe that communicating your feelings and speaking from the heart is key. Honesty with your partner is a must, but most importantly, you need to be honest with yourself.

I highly recommend writing a list of your dream partner. And no, that doesn’t include writing "newly single, ridic hottie Brad Pitt". Be reasonable, be positive and truly believe in the universe.

I found my big bear and I hope you do, too.

 
 
 

Suggested reading/watching

I watched a BRILLIANT podcast on Lewis Howes with Matthew Hussey. Relationships are something I speak to with girlfriends all the time so this is a great insight to a guys perspective. And this one on "The two skills we need to succeed in love" https://lewishowes.com/podcast/r-matthew-hussey2/

Return to Love with Marianne Williamson is a must read also.